Introducing: Notes to Your Younger Self
What is an aspect of your faith that you struggled with in your past? Was it doubt, people-pleasing, trust? If you could go back to your younger self who struggled with those things, what would you tell her? What have you learned since then? What has God taught you? What have others taught you? What has experience taught you?
For the next several weeks we are going to be talking about this on my blog. If you could write a note to your younger self, what would it say? English Lessons is largely a note to my younger self. In it I explore my main faith struggle at the age of 22 while living abroad in Oxford: doubt. In the process of writing the book, I unearthed so many truths God has shown me since those angsty Oxford days. This happens in the process of reflection. When we sit down and look at where we are compared to where we have been, we see God’s hand and faithfulness in a way it’s easy to miss if we aren’t paying attention.
Because the book is basically on long note to my younger self, I wanted to bring in other voices for this conversation. So for the next eight weeks, every Monday, I will be hosting some of my favorite writers from the internet here in this space. Each one will talk about what her faith struggles have been in the past, and she will talk about what they’ve taught her. Trust and people-pleasing and God’s love–we will talk about it all.
We’re calling the series Notes to Your Younger Self.
I’m curious, what would you write if you wrote a note to your younger self about faith, belief and God? I wonder if over the course of this series, you might feel encouraged to write a note to yourself as well, to unearth the truths we tend to miss when we’re not paying attention. If you do, I would love to know. I’ll be using these hashtags for the series: #NotestoYourYoungerSelf and #EnglishLessonsBooks. If you feel inspired to write to yourself, whether it’s on your blog or in a Facebook or Instagram post or even a simple note on Twitter, let me know by using those hashtags. I would love to read and share it.
I am so excited for you to glean wisdom from the writers who are about to be on this series. I am also so so excited for you to hear from someone who isn’t me. So come back on Monday morning. We’ll be waiting for you.
I’m looking forward to finding help. I have been discipled twice. Been to Christian counseling. Talked with a few pastors. Emailed a pastor in another state that I didn’t even know looking for answers and assurance. I have driven my husband crazy. He’s tried to help. I reach out. And reach out. Try and try. I’m fearful of hell even though I’ve come to Christ to save me. I’ve said the sinners prayer lots of times. Sometimes hoping He’d save me- sometimes knowing. Sometimes trusting in Him- sometimes in the prayer. Making sure that all the “stuff ” was in the prayer. I have been ashamed of Christ and not stood up when I should’ve. Which scares me that he’ll be ashamed of me and won’t let me in heaven. But there have been times when I have talked of God. I have sinned horribly. This is a copy of the text I sent my husband yesterday-
Reasons I don’t feel saved- I’ve been ashamed of Jesus on more than one occasion, I have done a lot and thought a lot of bad things, I very rarely find comfort as much as other people do reading the Bible, I’m scared often if I’m saved. Reasons why I think I’m saved – I called upon Jesus to save me. There’s times I try to do right. I pray, I cry, I’m comforted, I’m tormented. I have not had the help to end this. There are moments of peace but it doesn’t last. It always comes back. You tell me read the Bible. The Bible scares me because I’m a sinner. I’m lost and found. The evidences don’t help because I lack them. I have cried out to God on more than one occasion. Nothing is helping. Nothing lasting in helping. I’m going to get the kids lunch ready. I don’t want to talk about this because it doesn’t help. When I examine myself- I’m a sinner. Sometimes in the faith sometimes not. This is me- my inner war. Reaching out but hiding. Bold on occasion but scared. I’m a walking fraud. A broken mess. ??( end of text)
I hope your blog will be helpful and my husband finds it biblical. I’m tossed about.
Tammy, you sound a lot like Paul in Romans 7:15 “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Paul! Arguably the most important pioneer of the faith also felt shame, and sinned and felt fear. God came near in our brokenness and mess, not after we were healed up and looking good. I am also a walking fraud. And a broken mess. I always will be. We all always will be 🙂 Sometimes reading what someone else thinks of the Bible is helpful when we go through times that opening our own Bibles is difficult. Brennan Manning’s The Ragamuffin Gospel turned my world upsidedown a few years ago when I first read it. I highly recommend it 🙂
Good morning Tammy,
I can relate to a lot of what you just said. In the last year I have really started to read my bible and do bible study. The part of your text where you said the Bible scares you because your a sinner, I remember feeling that way. But I learned over this last year that sin is scary. I can’t believe the things we are capable of doing even when we profess to be christians. Hears the thing I’m finding hope in the stories in the Bible. I’m seeing I’m not the only mess up human being. But gods word is telling me he has a plan and my sin is covered by the blood of Jesus. Its not I, it’s not anything I can do so when I fail which I’m gona do Jesus is my hope. Keep that fellowship with God day by day. Even if you just pick one verse a day and meditate on it God will use it. It’s a start. If we were ok we wouldn’t need a savior so realize how much God loves you to send you Jesus. Speak the truth of Hidd word into your life pray those verses back to him. Claim them. I have been doing studies with IF:Equip and She Reads Truth great place to start these are both apps on my iPhone. Praying for you Tammy don’t be afraid you recieved Jesus now believe what he has said and he will be with you. God Bless.
Jo Ann
I wanted to say thank you ladies for your response. I appreciate it. I should’ve thanked you sooner. I need the raw reality stories. Not the shiny ones- the dirt in your fingernails and bruised- scraped knee truths.