I Am Not Good at Being Me, Except When I Write
I am not very good at being myself. But I am very good at being who people want me to be. I can walk into a room, read the situation and take on a persona. (I would probably be a great spy.)
A room of academics? I’ll try and act smart.
A room of Christians? I’ll talk about the Bible study I’m doing.
A room of not Christians? I’ll show all of my cynical-about-church cards.
A friend once told me that one of the reasons I do this might be because I am an INFJ (introvert-intuitive-feeling-judging) on Myers Briggs. INFJs are intuitive feelers and can’t help but sense what people need from us. Does this person need me to laugh at his jokes? Does this person need me to listen? Do I need to smile, nod, be quiet, be loud, have an opinion, not have one…?
If I don’t check myself first, I can find myself bowing to a slew of expectations and sacrificing my true self at the altar of pleasing others and also, blending in.
I cringe when someone isn’t reading a situation like I am and are just being themselves, however contrary to the environment her true self is. But I am also jealous of those of you who can do this, who can just be you no matter where you are and who you are with. How do you do it?
My chameleon tendency is probably the thing I like least about myself. I only became aware of it a few years ago, after doing some counseling. Until then, I just thought I was one of those people who got along with everybody.
Once I get to know people, I settle in. I reveal more of my true self and feel more at ease. Having moved to a new city this year, however, I have felt chameleon Andrea trying to come out in full force. In any new social situation, I ask myself the same old questions: What do these people want from me? What do they expect? How can I give them that person?
It’s where I go when I am insecure and unsure. And it truly slows down the friend-making process. After all, how can you get to know people when you are not letting them get to know you, the real you?
Now that I’ve grown a little more self-aware, I’m better than I once was, but it is still my greatest temptation. To not be me in hopes of filling the insatiable desire of others’ approval.
There is one place in this world where I have always been able to be myself: in my writing. Maybe this is why I’ve always loved it so much. Writing is my safe place. It is where who I am is free to roam. When I’m writing, like really writing, I do not ask, what does someone need to hear? What do they expect from? Who do they need me to be right now? I write what is in me. I write what I need to say, how I need to say it.
I am most me when I write.
The reactions to English Lessons from people I know have been interesting. A couple of friends have said things like, “Oh, this was so you. I could just hear you saying all of this.” And some people have been surprised, saying things like, “This wasn’t what I was expecting.” Some have even said it was better than what they were expecting. (Thank you?)
The former category of commenters knows me. The latter knows the me I’ve presented to them, the person I thought they wanted me to be. So when reading my true self in a book, they were surprised, and for the ones who said it was better than they expected, that’s probably because it was honest and real—something they perhaps haven’t seen in me.
This is why releasing English Lessons has been the best and most difficult experience of my life to date. The best because I was so totally me while writing it, and that’s freeing for someone who is not always herself. The most difficult because releasing it as a book, for the public, to read and review—publicly—on the internet was like releasing the real me to be read and reviewed, publicly.
I wonder if there is a place in your life where you have found yourself default to the chameleon. Your work or your art. Your friends or even your family. And I wonder if there is a place where you never have to switch on that mode. Where are you your best you? Your most full and true you? Where the real you is free. If so, I hope you go there often.
Some writers write for an audience. I do that in my freelance work all the time. It’s important if I’m going to reach my client’s market. But for my own work, work like English Lessons, I do not write for an audience. Perhaps I should. Perhaps this is what real, list-making authors do. But honestly, I don’t think I would know how to do that if I tried. Writing, my writing, is the one place I am completely myself. I will not take that away from me.
Goodness, I could relate to so much about this! I’m also an INFJ, and this year have recognized my tendency to be a chameleon. I remember saying to a friend recently, “I think people only know the me they want to know. The me they want to see. The me they want. Period.” It’s uncomfortable for them and for us to step outside of that box. But I’m so glad you did it and shared your experience. I found myself nodding and saying, “Yes!” to so many things in this post. I also find my space to be in writing, so reading this was like taking a breath of cool, mountain air–refreshing! Thanks again for sharing. I look forward to reading your book!
Sister, Patty and I just read this together. Sorry for the delay but things continue to move fast for us. Words to describe your recent writing: wow, amazing, well said, well done! But most of all, “Thank you!” We hear you and say again, thank you.
Patty and Dennis
Isaiah 41:10&13
Relates to me
Oh, thank you for the honesty. It isn’t just me then. I to have just realized how much I am a people pleaser and how it changes ME. I think this will be a lifelong struggle for me because I hate rejection. But as I get older I see that this fear does not deliver the peace and acceptance I yearn for and it never will. That will only be found in letting Christ help himself to me and to remember He will never reject me.
Hi, Andrea! Here is Mariana, from Brazil. I can relate to what you wrote. I think many people do this, maybe in a defensive unconscious way. But I love how real you are in your writing. I’m crazy to read your book and I hope to be able to read it as soon as possible.
I think that is really hard to really be yourself with everyone, especially people that you don’t know so well. I think it’s something you get better with time. Sometimes I think, how can I be in a relationship If I can’t be myself, show the real me to another person? I don’t feel like I have a place where I’m truly myself yet. This happens only when I’m with God.
Incredible!! I feel as though you wrote from knowing my inner person! Thank you for putting this into words and explaining it so well! – From a fellow writer/INFJ
As a fellow INFJ and author, I can so relate to this post. I often say, “I need to write to feel right.” Writing keeps my soul connected to God, others and myself, like the string of a kite. I’d be untethered, lost in the blue sky of people-pleasing and expectations so much more often without it. Thanks for putting this into words! Cheering you on…
Andrea, you just described me to a T. I just moved to a new state and I feel myself dancing between being disguised and being real. It’s been my life long struggle. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not so alone in this.
I read this post via Emily P. Freeman who linked it to her weekend reads and I’m so glad I did! This hits very close to home for me as a fellow INFJ – and a 9 on the Enneagram. Thank you for putting into words what I am just now discovering about myself. I have to say, you are way ahead of the game to discover this by your 30s – I am much older and wish I had figured it out sooner! I’m adding your book to my list and look forward to following you!
From one INFJ to another – YES. I’m grateful for the safe haven of writing and how it serves as therapy, relaxation, and creative expression. I wish it were just as easy to channel that authenticity into other spheres of life. But maybe it’s not supposed to be?
Same here, I also used to think that I could get along with everybody. But then I discover that I just blend in and hide myself. Now I can put a name to it, I’m also a INFJ! But is really wrong to be that way? And if it is how can you get out of that shell?
I really appreciate your writing, it’s so honest and real. I too ask questions, so your blog resonates. I just wish it was dated properly! I’d like to know what year the posts were written.