Why Do We Love Those Who Don't Love Us Back?

And so begins my February series of tough LOVE questions. February–an appropriate month for love questions, don’t you think? This series was inspired by a friend and coworker who initially suggested I pose this question for the blog: “If your house was burning, and you could only save one family member, who would it be?” I responded with “That’s impossible to answer.” So we boiled down to the nature of the question and realized what she was really asking was why would I, without a moment’s pause, reach for the hand of a beloved to save them from a burning building when they repeatedly don’t reply to my text messages, never initiate hang-outs and consistently miss important events in my life?

Because we love them. Even though they don’t show the signs of loving us back.

Family illustrates beautifully this inhuman ability we have to love siblings, children, and even parents who may never return the affection. Something within us persists. Pushes through the turned shoulders and blocked calls and can not–though we may try–stop loving. How would a non-Christian explain this strange strength that counters every fiber of our being? For the most common type of love is reciprocated, right?

Not always. Maybe you, like me, have loved someone you had no business loving at all. You tried to stop, but the love was inside of you and no action of your own would remove it. I remember confessing to my parents once that I was still in love with someone I knew for a fact did not love me back. My dad told me something I’ll never forget. Something that made me feel normal and that everything would be ok: “You can’t help who you love.” We don’t actually choose–what a load off.

So, I don’t believe we’re crazy for loving a rebellious older brother who’s never around, the dad that’s in and out of your life, or the boy that broke your heart. We can’t help who we love. God loves lots of people who don’t love Him back. When we do the same, we’re being a little like Him. We’re loving not based on condition but because the love is there, and we can’t get it out.


  1. katieleigh on February 7, 2011 at 10:11 am

    So true. I once struggled mightily to repair a relationship with a friend I had briefly dated (with disastrous results). We fought like cat and dog for months, and my mom asked, “Why don’t you just give up?” But I couldn’t – I believed it was still worth it to be friends with him. In this case, the story ended happily; we made our peace and remained friends. But I think I would have kept loving him even if it had proven impossible.

    Great post, Andrea.

  2. Theresa on February 7, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    I am a first time reader of this blog that I just stumbled upon and I swear, I was just in a moment of prayer trying to get some inspiration regarding why I keep making the same mistakes with the guys I have been with. I always love them so unconditionally, and they barely notice I exist… I’ve been feeling like I’ve been doing the wrong thing maybe. I always end up hurt because I love them and they rarely return the feelings, so I’ve been thinking that this was maybe a sin in my life. If I am getting hurt and I regret loving them… It must be a mistake or sin. And Bible verse after Bible verse, turns out Jesus never directly had a problem with someone not returning his texts or baking his friend endless batches of cookies hoping they’d get the hint that your hopelessly devoted to them in more than just a friendly way. I feel much better now that you pointed it out that, at least I am loving like God loves us…unconditional, undeserving and never ending. I just wanted to know if I was doing the wrong thing, but I feel like God’s telling me that I’m on the right track here instead. Thank You, and God Bless.

    • andrealucado on February 8, 2011 at 12:56 pm

      Theresa, thanks so much for your honest comment. Sounds like you have a gift for loving others that many would envy. I hope you never take it for granted and see how it’s simply God manifesting himself in a willing heart.

      • VM on February 18, 2014 at 7:47 am

        Andrea you’re God send ^_^
        Be a blessing to everyone. Thanks a lot. This blog means a lot for me and it really comforted me.

    • tessadoghor on March 26, 2013 at 6:23 am

      It is really weird to have someone with my name write these things. Yes I have loved people maybe a lot more than they deserved many times, but I am cool with it, that is what makes me human. Do get in touch with me, I alway like to make contact with my namesakes. I have two of them on my bbm, and if you have a bbm, pls mail it to tessadoghor@gmail.com. I hope you get this.

  3. Darla Jo on February 8, 2011 at 10:43 am

    I have learned (after being in 2 abusive marriages) that: while I can’t help who I love…I can help how I should be treated. I grew up in an abusive home. Abuse came from my father and my older sister. While I love(d) them both, as an adult, I chose not to expose myself to their abuse. I have come to the realization that while I may continue to love them, they simply choose not to love me. It hurt me to come to that realization, but I have been much healthier since. I must love certain people from a distance. There was one sacrificial lamb..His name is Jesus. We (especially women) don’t need to suppose that we must be an additional sacrifice. Be safe. Be wise. Know that you are LOVED.

    • andrealucado on February 8, 2011 at 12:58 pm

      Such words of wisdom, Darla! Thanks. Love and miss you lots!

    • Siobhan O' on December 3, 2012 at 2:27 pm

      This is the best response of all..especially the part about being able to help how I should be treated.

    • debra on April 30, 2013 at 5:11 pm

      @Darla, I love your writeup,it motivating..and so true..

  4. Katie on February 8, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    I love the points you’ve made here! Unfortunately not being able to choose who you love and being like God and loving those who don’t love us back really don’t make the rejection any easier. It’s still hard but it’s comforting to know you’re not alone and it’s not your fault. It’s not always something you can just “get over and move on from.”


  5. ashleynashville3 on February 9, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Yay! The question is out there.

    I think it can be summed up in the following statement: “Because one day, no matter how long that day takes to come, we hope that the person(s) will love us back.”

    And most of the time, no matter how hard we try, they never do.

  6. kerry on February 9, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    I like what your dad had to say — I’ve definitely taken comfort in that thought before. I’ve never thought about how unrequited love, romantic or otherwise, might be a glimpse into God loving those who don’t love him back, or who don’t love him as much as they ought to. I like that thought.

  7. Do You Love Yourself? | English Lessons on February 28, 2011 at 10:06 am

    […] to address love of self in this series of difficult love questions for February. I’ve questioned why we love those that don’t love us back, asked what the role Jesus plays in my love life, and also wondered what to do when love leaves […]

  8. singlesouthernlady on March 1, 2011 at 10:37 am


    I just discovered your blog recently and very much relate to your perspective on life. As a single 20something who is loyal to a fault and has spent a lot of time still loving friends and ex’s who have hurt me, I always thought I was foolish and maybe even a little pathetic. but, you reminded me that that’s how God loves us – unconditionally.

    How do you think you balance that with guarding and protecting your heart ?

    Also, I hope you don’t mind but I linked you to my blog. http://www.singleinthemeantime.com


  9. Rebecca on March 2, 2011 at 9:23 am

    Thank you so much! This article is such a godsend to me, especially as I struggle to understand why my mum, best friend and church friends don’t love me in return, even as I stupidly continue to love them and go out of my way to love them. Knowing there’s an explanation for my stupidity comforts me now.

  10. […] month of love questions is over, and I can’t say I’m sorry to see them go. Talking about love gets wearisome, […]

  11. designedpurpose on March 22, 2011 at 10:26 am

    This is exactly what I needed to hear. I have been dealing with this guy who does not care if I live or die. He has toyed with my life for way to long and the only reason for that is I have a forgiving heart. As of last week, I became miserably tired of his mess and have not talked to him since. This is not the first time I have dismissed his phone calls though. I know for a fact that we should not be together and would REALLY would like for him to go on with his life and leave me alone. Every time I give into his pitiful sounding voice, he gives me kindness but then takes it right back. This is a pattern with him. You would think a person your dating that is older than you would be more considerate and wiser in their decision making, not him. He has studied me for so long to where he thinks that I won’t let go and stand firm on my final decision of breaking up with him . I really would like help with standing firm and not giving in to him because I’m already dealing with enough physical pain and I don’t have the time to pacify his childish ways. I understand that being kind is a step closer to God but I don’t think God wants us to suffer. God is the author of peace; not confusion. 🙂

    • K on April 8, 2011 at 11:01 pm

      just remember that one of the important jobs you were given in this lifetime was to take care of your own soul. you have to protect that. everything else is secondary.

  12. designedpurpose on April 18, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    I agree K and I will continue doing so. Trying to take care of and protect my soul.

  13. Thomas on August 1, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    I have been in love with my best friend since I met her and confessed twice during that time. Even though I tell myself Im happy just having her as a friend I wish she would notice me a little more. she doesn’t call me because of one time several years ago she called after I had worked a double and my sisters had been calling me to harass me while I was sleeping and when she called I snapped thinking it was one of them but apologized upon realizing it was her. but since then she has never called me unless it was to return a call she had just missed. when we hang out we always have a great time but its like she only enjoys the moment we are actually together and forgets me as soon as we lose eye contact. I tried acting the same way towards her but she always does something at the last minute to inspire hope that maybe things could be different. or maybe its my own mind finding light where there is none. anyway I don’t have anyone to tell my feelings to so I figured I would just post it somewhere. I feel better. thanks

    • Deb on March 6, 2012 at 1:40 am

      Thomas, I know how you feel, truly I know. I can only offer that along with a hug from Arizona. I will pray for you to find the love you are searching for.

  14. mwiinga on November 15, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    love is blind bt sum r luck….

  15. Deb on March 6, 2012 at 1:36 am

    It is after midnight in Arizona and in finding a new website for music, I played a song by Adele (To Make you Feel my Love), and the tears I have gotten so good at hiding came pouring out. I have been in love with a man for over 6 years, and the past 3 we have not been involved. Though he said that he could grow old with me and that I was the one, he never made me a real part of his life – just an afterthought. I finally told him that I could not just sit and wait for him to love me the way I need so desperately to be loved. The moment I think of him, I am unable to fight the pain and feelings of hopelessness. No one has ever loved me and made me significant in their life. After living with a broken heart for the past 25 years, how do I not give up? I am a Christian and I know that his love is the ultimate love, but when you ache to be held and told you are loved, how do you climb up from the bottom of the pit to where you can finally breathe?

    • debra on April 30, 2013 at 5:25 pm

      God Ȋ̝̊̅§ the source of love dear, when you find Him , He can them teach you how to Love.and heal your broken heart.He love you and I know you will find that right person who will make your hrt ache in a good way..

  16. Mr.tinman Lee on March 20, 2012 at 8:10 am

    God don’t care if you don’ t love him….the lord is not gone close heaven down because you wan’t to follow the devil.!!!

    • Afemale on March 28, 2012 at 8:09 pm

      I am in a situation now where a person I love I feel doesn’t love me back I believe by the way they treat me. It hurts, but I feel I must move on. However, I still feel like waiting for their love to be returned. But, I recall one thing my Mom once told me when I was young and crying over a boyfriend. She told me “I thought that love was supposed to make you feel good”! With that, we should all move on as best we can. I know that time will heal our broken hearts. How long that will take? I don’t know. I keep asking the same question. I hate that there are so many hurting people in the world. I pray that all of the broken hearted people would come together and live each other. And forget about the heart breakers:)

      • Afemale on March 28, 2012 at 8:11 pm

        Oops, …love each other…

      • Andrea Lucado on March 28, 2012 at 10:01 pm

        Thanks for your comment! Your mom is very wise. When we’re unsure of someone’s love for us, that’s when we lean into God’s love for us and ask if we should wait or move on. I think deep down, we always know the answer to that question.

      • Afemale on March 29, 2012 at 9:49 pm

        When I wrote my first comment concerning my mom’s comment about love, I felt strong. But, today I felt so weak like a wanted to cry all day. I don’t understand why I even care about this person who is so cold. Why does my heart hurt so much, and how do I make it stop? I know that he is not worth the time and energy I’m putting into this. Thanks.

  17. loren on April 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    ive been in love with a guy for 2 yrs.he was my best friend in the begining but then i made the mistake of giving him my virinity,ever since he’s only made me feel like a booty call.i love him so much so its almost unimaginable 2 not have him in my life.now he has a gf & is continuing to hook up with me.i feel like such an awful person,idk wats wrong with me!i kno i deserve better than that anyway but i cant help how i feel for him…& i cant help but wonder why im so inadequate in his eyes…i really hope god helps me past this & guides me to happiness. 🙁

    • Andrea Lucado on April 16, 2012 at 4:51 pm

      Loren, thank you so much for your honesty in this comment. It and several others on this post have convinced me I need to write a follow-up to “Why Do We Love Those Who Don’t Love Us Back?” I have more to say about this than what I’ve written here. I think there is so much hope when it comes to love, but this question can make us feel hopeless. So much of it comes down to whether or not we love ourselves. And whether or not we love ourselves comes down to whether or not we believe God loves us and wants good things for us. I challenge you to ask yourself that–as I need to ask myself that. When you love someone who is mistreating you, the only way out is to see and believe in your own worth. That is my prayer for you. Be on the lookout for more I’ll be posting on this subject soon.

  18. Suraj on May 31, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    I think we shuld move on
    mayb abuse that person one fine day(if he/she has hurt u alot) n then live out ur life as u want and at the end surrender to th god.
    Abusing is important to release ur love and to make u forget that person during ur lonley times, if u dont do that you wont be able to remove that person from the deep of your heart n u will miss her during ur lonley times which eventually spart the love for her n the viscious circle starts! n u get pain nothin more that that and that person dosent even noe how much pain she is causing to him unknowingly!

  19. Joseph Echendu on July 10, 2012 at 2:16 am

    It is quite strange. I truly loved a girl,did evrything I could to prove to her that I did love her. What she did is to report me to her brother,who handed me over to the police. I was beaten like never before with the girl present during the torture. When the police asked her some questions,she denied me before everyone there. What a life?

  20. Jac on July 17, 2012 at 12:45 am

    Hello, Andrea. I was reading this text again and found myself in a rough path to believe we can’t help who we love… Until today, I had for a fact that love is more about actions than about a feeling hung on the heart, therefore, we can choose on acting one way or another towards someone and we can choose to enhance someone’s qualities over the whole person. I don’t want to put up a discussion or anything, but I would appreciate very much some help on this question… (a bit late on you blog schedule, huh?).

  21. debra on July 25, 2012 at 1:58 am

    I was in love with a man that I met out at a night club, I went out with a girlfriend ( who is no longer a friend she and my husband didn’t get along) any way I met my Prince charming, he asked me to leave with him, he took me to his castle where he had the cutest dog (mogul) needless to say I spent the night with my prince in his castle. We made good love together it was a cold winter night and it was cold when I got under the sheets. Of course he said I will keep you warm….and yes he did. I fell hard, the next morning he took me to my apartment and then to the gym. I pursued this man for the next 20 years when finally I realized that I wasn’t getting any younger and no matter how long and hard I loved this man he just wasn’t as into me, so I had met my now husband and after dating for two years he popped the question. I told my parents that I had to see BH and my mom
    was totally against me going but I went and to this day I still believe that he didn’t believe me because he went and grabbed some girl and on the way over to talk with me to tell me she was his fiance, I could see him telling her just go along with me. That was the last straw for me I walked away realizing that he was too immature to love me the way I needed to be loved then, but now it’s been 14 years since that day and I would give anything to be able to tell him I understand and I will always love you because. I should have done it differently, I really don’t know how but I would hope that if I had a second chance that I would have added in my getting married that I would never love any one more than I loved him and that you asked me years ago what I wanted……….. an Affair? I wasn’t married then I said so it wouldn’t be an affair,,,If you were to ask me today what I wanted I would answer You and all the time you could spare, I miss our times together and have not shared the intimacy we shared the laughs the just being together, see how infectious love can be? It never goes away, and just when I think I have it conquered….. Love with this one man keeps calling me back. He is now 70 and I’m in my fifties How much time do we have left inthis life? I do hopethat I do cross paths with him before we leave this earth. Long Life my love….I miss you so much.

    • Mariyam on September 9, 2012 at 3:06 am

      This is really a romantic story I have ever heard in my 14 years ! I wish that u may live long and a happy life with your beloved one ! You really made me cry! Good luck

  22. amriemarue on August 16, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Reblogged this on A Mess Called Amrie's Life and commented:
    Funny how people say you deserve someone better and still you continue to love that person. Why do we love those who don’t love us back? Because we are created in the image of God. He continues to love us even if we run away from Him.
    And as Andrea Lucado says, “So, I don’t believe we’re crazy for loving a rebellious older brother who’s never around, the dad that’s in and out of your life, or the boy that broke your heart.” Yeah, it’s not crazy, it’s becoming a little like God, a little like Christ.

  23. Mariyam on September 9, 2012 at 3:01 am

    I always loved this people who do not even know that I love them some of them too who do not know that I exist ( it is a complicate thing bout me) .if I love a person I love him with my truest heart and this thing is true cause I think I know myself very well at this ! I have a problem that a person I love I cannot show him that I love cause my parents do not think tha to love a strange person is suitable for a girl or even a boy. I AM THE MOST DIFFERENT PERSON IN MY FAMILY, my feelings are the most difficult thing my parents could ever handle ! I do not even tell my parents that I like someone cause if I tell they will probably show a lotta anger to me! I m a teenage girl who is suffering from the same problem on which I m commenting ! I have no one to share these thing and by the way this article is not helpful by and way!

  24. anonymous 1994 on October 13, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Will mostly be tagged as loser or forever alone or such other special tags. but i feel trying this method out would be good cause i can use all the help i get to overcome this. Every time i liked someone… truly liked (not using love here because no longer is my belief present in its use in this type of scenarios) from the bottom of my heart all i thought was lets first get to know each other before i spill the beans. The very day i think i’ll tell the person my feelings she would be the one spilling the beans. The words use to be drastically different but the message the same ” hey you know what? i have fallen for your friend. the one you hang out with every time” All i ever did was stand there shocked but would put up a fake smile (which i have learnt to master) and say words like “oh wow that’s kickass” n such others. Unnecessarily feel angry with the specific friend of mine without it being his slightest fault. Would anyone still say that one always has someone in the world who will love them back? I have come up to the conclusion that there is only a tiny fraction of people who have the beauty of having that specific true love in their luck. The others are just played around with by luck and god each respectively.

  25. Sabrina on October 16, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Love has left me questioning myself, my choices, my everything. I am feeling very destroyed by love’s sting. The stories on this page are all very helpful, now I will tell you mine. I met a best friend online a decade ago, and we just declared our love for one another last year, open-heartedly, tenderly, and honestly. We decided to meet face to face a few months ago and it went beautifully. We both admitted to one another we’d never been so happy before. But we had to part and our love was tested. He changed towards me, and became very uncaring, cocky, and arrogant, at times, calling me emotional, needy, and desperate sounding. These are hurtful words to tell someone who loves you with their whole heart. I feel destroyed but yet I am still talking to him. I have questioned myself why, what happened and I have questioned him. He bounces around it but still insists on calling me and contacting me. I am absolutely clueless what changed in him to stop caring for me. I felt his feelings withdraw and let me tell you that is the coldest feeling in the world to feel someone you love pull back from you. It is an unspoken type of torture only the soul can feel. I miss the old way he was with me, and we can’t seem to get back to that. Is it so much to ask for to be sweet to one another forever? I really thought we had it, but there is a fear in him, or an immaturity perhaps to really commit to me. Broken and sad, I’ve sat and cried, over this, and I wish I could just be as uncaring sometimes as he is and walk away from him forever, but my heart will not let me. What do you do when you get in this deeply? I’ve grown such a monster of an attachment to the ideal life we were supposed to be having that it’s like I’ve disappointed myself. This is a tough lesson to learn in life. The problem I am having now is trusting myself to ever care for another so deeply again without being so very cautious. I feel I am not only losing a love, but also my best friend of 10 years. He has to know the pain he is causing me with his indecisiveness and he does not seem to care which is even more painful. Why does one hold onto you when they must know it is furthering the torture and feeding the hope that he’ll one day say the things you long to hear? I despise him and love him and it’s just too much.

  26. melissa reid on November 14, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    I was living with my husband for 5 years and everything was moving so fine. until one morning a call came in and when i picked the call, a ladies spoke to me saying he wants to speak with my husband and when i asked who she is, she said that she is a girlfriend to my husband and she asked me too who i was, for me not to curse any dispute, i lied to her, so when my husband came back i asked him he lied to me, that night i was so down, i broke in tears and left the house for finding out that my husband is cheating on me, but i loved him so much, i thought of what to do to make him love me passionately, so a friend gave me clue on what to do that i should contact spell caster, So i went into search in the Internet so fortunately i found good testimonies on how this Lord Ogadikehas helped a lot of people in my condition, so i contacted lord.ogadike@aol.com and he worked a spell on me and my husband, getting back my husband was the most important thing i was after, this spell worked like nothing I had ever seen in my life .after 2 days of the spell was casted my husband came begging me to come back home, he promised to be faithful to me and promised never to cheat on me again, I’m happy now and free. my problems are solved by lord.ogadike@aol.com
    “I have never experienced anything like this. I never expected such a reaction. Melissa Reid

  27. kendra on March 16, 2013 at 11:39 pm

    Thank u i truley needed to see that and hear that !! Lots of love ur way!!!!

  28. designedpurpose on March 17, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    I’m very happy for you! I know you will choose wisely this time by making the right choices. Congrats!

  29. […] little over two years ago I wrote a post entitled Why Do We Love Those Who Don’t Love Us Back? It is consistently my most-read post. When I visit my handy dandy WordPress dashboard, that tells me […]

  30. Lou on March 21, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    Some people do not know how to love others as equally as they love themselves. I have experienced two abusive relationships, both men were victims of abused childhoods. They (and we all )show the love they/we are taught – or we may seek the love we never had by adopting our perception of how it should be. To those who dont love you back, in their eyes despite you feeling a lack of love in return, they are giving your normal love – it may be normal or fullfilling to you – but is their best to them.

    But it was from 2 abusive men I learned what love truly is – and how it can be found – I find it a kind of sweet justice.

    I have learned this and can say with absolute conviction, you HAVE to be compatible in how much LOVE is exchanged itself to feel you are receiving it back. Non of us are perfect either. We ignore the warning signs, those little things that hurt us, or even the big things. We excuse such too – but we shouldn’t. These instincts are there to protect us, but we hook ourselves with hope then leave ourselves open to more.

    Here is my advice, hold your love back (in your heart) until you meet someone who PROVES they want to share it and return it. We rush in with that loved up feeling, we conned often they feel the same.

    Compatible love – does not let you down !

    Many women are wooed with nice words – but take note of the actions – they speak far louder. It is also often what is not done that gives clues as well as the things done wrong.

    Dont ignore the warning signs to keep a heart fluttering – you will end up breaking it.

    So yes the bible is right, its also about loving wisely – love yourself by protecting the love you hold and don;t give it to just anyone – because you deserve the love you desire. Not one that causes pain and rejection. You also waste valuable time of your life and end up wounded.

    So love yourself by protecting yourself and be careful who you give your love to.

    Sorry for the book

  31. tessadoghor on March 26, 2013 at 6:27 am

    I think it is cool to be able to love. I daresay it is a gift. I have seen one too many cold hearted people describe love in a distorted way that obviously comes from being hurt one too many times. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 keeps me in line for what is defined as love. It is cool to love so many people and through them discover the ins and outs of love and of course to get perfected in Christ. When it comes to marriage though, be sure to marry someone who definitely loves you in love and action, then all the practice would have been worth it.

    Yeah, I like the way this sounds and it describes me.
    Hi Andrea.

  32. seagreen415 on May 13, 2013 at 9:27 am

    I had spent my childhood never believing my mother and father truly loved me. As a little girl, love came with slaps to my face, whippings with belts and switches, mean pinching fingers, and a blind eye turned to the pain that I suffered daily at a “Christian” school by being bullied by others. Because I was so sad and lonely, my angry little heart told my big brother “I’m running away.” He then went to tell my mother. She immediately came into the room I share with my sister and responded by saying “I’ll help you pack your bags. Call me when you find a job and a place to live.” I think I must have been about 8 years old, but the message had been clear. I was free to leave and she could have cared less. Of course, to an 8 year old, this reverse psychology worked and I was scared of the big bad world- but the message of how she felt about me was still the same.

    Many times I remember sitting in my parents bedroom window watching and waiting for my father to come home. I missed him and wanted his warm arms around me, as he calmly told me that everything was going to be alright. I missed having him throw me up into the air and catch me as I screamed with laughter. I wanted to be cuddled, and tickled, and told bedtime stories. Of course, I waited……and waited…..and waited. And every time a car drove up the street only to pass by our house, my lonely little heart grew more sad and frustrated. When my father WAS home, he was usually very angry. He shouted and cursed and slammed doors. Even though he was very scary, I STILL missed his presence. My little girl feelings were very confused. To this day, he wonders why it is so hard for me to ask for his help.

    As I grew into a woman, I continued to CRAVE unconditional love. As a woman, LOVE came with fists, rapes, verbal assaults. Of course the men in my family came beating their chests to move me away from my abuser…..but not after making me feel stupid and weak by asking “why do you give that piece of shit your love?” Hmmmmmm……I still ask myself to this day. Of course this is a rhetorical question because I already have my answer.

    Well, after 39 years of equating LOVE with violence, I thought I had finally found the UNCONDITONAL LOVE that I had searching for my whole life. He came back into my life and I instantly realized that he was the only man I had ever met that had placed only hands of love upon me. It was a sweet love that comes to children who grow up together and was in no way mature and enduring- but remembering this first love as a woman made perfect sense and the now vague dream of LOVE became the truth.

    Turns out this person shattered my faery tale because he expects me to pull my hand back and watch my brother’s house burn as I run and SAVE MYSELF. Having a fierce compassion born of suffering at the hands of others, I simply cannot do this. Because of the way that I love with such intensity, it is NOT in my nature to turn my back on or abandon those that I care about because it is TOO HARD to do the right thing. I guess this is why I always believed those that hurt me never meant to, they were just simply not as enlightened and sensitive as I, and sooner or later they would come around. I now know the truth is some people just don’t have it in them. They are too busy thinking what can I do for ME, instead of what can I do for HIM.

    I spent yesterday, Mother’s Day, pondering what it meant to be a parent. I know for sure that even though I am a mother, it is not my place to celebrate myself for the life I CHOSE to create. It is my place to celebrate the person who make me a MOTHER. I love you son and I hope your every wish comes true. You made me a mother and taught me what LOVE really, really means and I will never pull my hand back.

  33. So Very True on June 3, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    that is certainly very true for many of us very serious men that are looking to meet the right woman to share a life with, and it is just a shame that many of us weren’t born much sooner when we could have avoided this mess to begin with. it was much easier years ago for men and women meeting each other since the the times were certainly different, especially when many family and friends did help out introducing you to one another.

  34. Christiana Mohr on June 8, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    Reblogged this on Christiana Mohr.

  35. misty on June 16, 2013 at 10:20 am

    I was not able to get it why still love the person, who left me shattering my whole life. breaking my trust everything. I stumbled upon this article.
    got my answer its like god who loves all though they dont love him back.
    Mine feel love that person thinking god exists in him also.
    So bad happens with us still we dont lose hope in God, nor stop loving him.
    same way love the person who no matter cares are not.

  36. Hazel on September 15, 2013 at 4:37 am

    I stumbled upon this blog and I find your words very comforting. I’ve fallen in love three times in my life, all of which are unrequited. I kept on wondering why they couldn’t love me back, if maybe there was something wrong with me, and now that I’ve read your blog I realize that it’s not something to be embarrassed about. This means I simply love(d) them unconditionally and it comforts me very much. Thank you!

  37. unrequited love | marginalia on November 8, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    […] read this blog post recently. in fact, it was a blog post about this other blog post. so i did what anyone would do reading a post like that – i resolved then and there to write […]

  38. oshomo on November 14, 2013 at 11:38 am

    A Great joy has fall on me as a surprise and i am here to thank the great and powerful spell caster oshomospelltemple@live.com for helping in getting my lover back to me within a twinkle of an eye, Dr Oshomo is a great and powerful spell caster that is sent by God to help the needing and he is like a father to the fatherless…
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  39. VM on February 18, 2014 at 7:43 am

    I’m so glad to stumble read this blog. This means so much to me. I thought I’m the only person in the world that experiences an unrequited love. Recently, I fall in love with a person whom I don’t know much and I easily fall for him (but it doesn’t mean that I’m easy to get). He seemed so nice to me that I thought he also loves me but I was wrong when he told me that he already had a girlfriend. I’m also a girl and I don’t want to hurt another girl and I also don’t want to lose whatever we had for a year that we’ve been together as friends. So all I have to do is pretend everyday that I’m very happy seeing him with his girlfriend but deep inside I’m dying. This is my everyday life. Most of the time, I wake up in the middle of the night crying and asking myself, what’s wrong with me? Why do people I love don’t love me back? But I know everything happens with a purpose.

  40. Deb on April 6, 2014 at 12:44 am

    I posted here long ago and came back by chance this evening. I remain alone due to a work injury that has me locked in a world of depression, physical and emotional pain, and at the mercy of attorneys and the worker’s comp legal rules. All I can offer are my prayers and love to all of you who have written here or just read the other posts. I will never understand why bad things happen to so many good people, but we must continue to show love to others so that love continues to exist. We then become a living and loving example of God’s true love for us. I could not make it through each day without the knowledge that Christ is my Savior, and his love is the greatest there is. Afterall, humans were the ones that messed up his divine design in the first place…… Thanks Eve!!!! 🙂 just a little humor for a sunday evening. God bless and care for you all……….. Debra in Arizona

  41. Alan on September 16, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    It is very sad when many of us men are Punished by God, especially when it comes to having a love life that God gave to so many men and women that are together today since many of us men would had wanted that as well. There were many times that i wanted to meet a woman that i was very much attracted to, but they just walk away being very unfriendly.

  42. Mark Kush on October 26, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    I am so much in depression right now just because of the fact that i have a condition where i provide myself to a very extent to others out of love and respect, and there is this pattern with everyone that i love people like a lot and then slowly they start taking me for granted and that hurts me and put aside my ego or self respect with the thought may be that person will respect me back. but i don’t understand whether it is my fault or something wrong with the people i love. i keep tolerating things that hurts me and then there is a limit to everything. means i don’t know where it. i have never seen someone making me their priority My parents love my sister more that me so does my whole family, i have a girlfriend for last 1 year whom i have loved for 8 year, inspire of that fact she knew that i was in love with her still she just couldn’t love me and i was completely okay with that because i am mature enough to realise that I Just can’t make any one love me. But then things changed and now we are in relationship. Still sometimes i feel that son’t love me like the way i love her. may be she is settling herself with me cause i am a very stable option. i know she is a materialistic person and i am mature that other than that she is great and i ignore that completely cause its not the reason to back up of all the feeling. man i just don’t know what wrong with me. and Trust me when i say – i keep a lot patience and i have the least expectation. i am writing here because i just cannot talk about all this to any one. i don’t want any one to judge my gf. or i don’t want to hurt my gf. my concern is not relationship. i have in my mind and heart that i will do anything for her. i will gig her a live she could have never imagined of. but its just pains me a lot with the fear if i will never get loved by any one my whole life. Really that scares me a lot. i don’t want so much time or favour of anyone. i don’t want to be a priority i just want some one accepting in there heart that they love me like the most and more than anyone else. i just don’t know. Sorry i created a mess here. 🙁

  43. Judy on January 18, 2015 at 11:21 am

    Yes, I found these 2 blogs when I googled ,”why do I love men who don’t love me”, and I’ve been sitting here in tears as I read the comments and yes it makes me feel comforted to see many others feel this way and I am not crazy which I was worrying about.

    5 months ago the man who I thought loved me cut off our friendship without saying goodbye and crushed my heart. I sent him am email every couple weeks but he didn’t reply barely. I felt worse about my self esteem with every desperate email I sent him but couldn’t stop myself.
    Finally after five months I ran into him on Friday and he came over and made a polite excuse for ignoring me but it was just more rejection..
    The only way I’ve found to feel better is to make myself stop thinking about him. Make myself not hope he will change his mind and remind myself that I deserve someone who treats me with respect and is healthier than to ignore someone. Then I realize I’m not healthy for wanting someone who doesn’t want me and I’m feeling angry at myself again…

  44. lucy on November 11, 2015 at 1:28 am

    Judy, you deserve to be thought of as a queen, annd to have someone in your life who loves you unconditionally. These are clichés for a reasons. When you let go of the past, close that door, visualize the beauty that will be on the other side of the next door, then the love you deserve will be there.

  45. […] little over two years ago I wrote a post entitled Why Do We Love Those Who Don’t Love Us Back? It is consistently my most-read post. When I visit my handy dandy WordPress dashboard, that tells me […]

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